Undone (Poetry)

You aren’t like your usual self lately

You say trying to speak casually

while making sure the words are placed carefully

as if what you say could physically hurt me

as if you could see my pain

I smile not really because I want to

But because that is the only possible thing I could do

I don’t say a single word

You don’t try further

We both know the reason

I feel your pain maybe not in the same measure but I do

you are hurting as much as I am

You lost your child as much as I did

I feel ashamed that my womb wasn’t stronger/ that I couldn’t protect our child

The doctors said its okay that we could try again

Theirs statistics proved that it was normal

But their stats didn’t visit the room we made

we decorated it together with soft toys and pillows

I still remember the smiles we had that day

Now we sit in silence, uncomfortable

Distancing from the other knowing we are hurting

I wonder if you imagined how our child would have looked if s/he was born

But I don’t dare to ask.

It’s been weeks this way and everyone that passes by looks at us with pity

I hate it but what I hate more is the pain you try to hide from me

We promised each other so many things

and all those promises now lay buried under this pain

At nights when you finally fall asleep, I wonder if we will ever be able to smile again like we did

I was so stuck in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize when you moved closer to me

You sit on the ground your hands on my knees your eyes searching something in me

You stand up again holding my hands maybe I missed what you said

When a Huh? Slipped my mouth your eyes looked like they found me

Your lips curve into a small smile

Your hands gently nudge mine

“I said let’s go for a walk”, you tell me

I get up from chair

You hold me afraid as if your touch could break me

We walk in silence

But my mind isn’t here

I didn’t even realize where you were taking me until you held my shoulders as if to wake me

I look at the room and then look at you

My eyes flood but I don’t allow it to fall

You hold me close and tell me that we must remove every single thing

I shake my head, afraid that speaking would break me

You move away and raise my chin until we face each other

You tell me it’s time we put things where they belonged

You tell me little Bee might need it

I clutch your shirt still shaking my head vigorously holding on

I fall on the ground on the room we said would be our kid’s

You hold me tight but I cannot see you as the tears now blind me

I come undone while you hold on

You don’t even know what you did

We stayed that way as I kept saying I’m sorry

You rubbed my back and told me that it was not my fault but the guilt didn’t let me think

I hold you tighter and ask,

“Heartbreaks can be survived but what do I do when a part of me is separated from me”

You didn’t say a word, just held me close

After a while you spoke, placing a kiss on my forehead, without letting me go

You say that you are sorry

That I am the one that matters to you most

You say we will be fine

We just need each other and that you love me

You say you wish you could take away the pain

You wish you could shield me from everything

And then you ask with your generous heart

What do I do to make it better?

My tears have subsided though its marks still rest on my cheeks

I look at you and touch your cheek

And wonder how did I get so lucky

Your eyes wait for me as I look at a distance

I look into your eyes, the sorrows that they try to hide, you smile as if you are fine,

taking a deep breath, I look into you and speak,

“Don’t hide it from me” ,

you look surprised

I guess you didn’t see it coming

“Don’t act like you are fine, don’t hide your feelings from me

Don’t force yourself to smile

You don’t have to hide it from me

Everything hurts me but what hurts me the most is that you shut me

I know you are hurting too

We are in this together”

It was like the walls you had built came undone

You cried in my arms

You say you hated that you couldn’t protect our child and then you couldn’t protect me

You tell me you were scared of losing me as well

The guilt you said was chasing you every day but you wanted to be strong for me

You ask me while weeping in my chest

“What we could do with all this pain that weighs us down”

I reply almost to myself

“I don’t know”

Then I said it a little louder

“I don’t know but we are in this together

And we will get through it together”

We stay that way

With tear-stained faces

Holding each other like it’s the end of the world

Like we are each other’s last hope

Then we both silently pack all the things that decorated the room

It was like stripping ourselves from a part of our soul

Losing a part of us that we never even got to hold

As I stood there waiting for you to pull up the car

I knew this in the heart of my hearts

We weren’t fine

We weren’t okay

Maybe we wouldn’t be soon either

But the road we have chosen at this moment together will lead us there someday

I know that though it is very tough for both of us now

We are in this together

The pain, the hurt, the guilt and hopelessness

We both would learn to let go,

Till then, we need to find solace in each other’s company

And not hide or ignore, like we had been doing

We have come undone in front of the other

We found each other again

We are in this together and it is all that matters at the moment.

- Gayathri.