You aren’t like your usual self lately
You say trying to speak casually
while making sure the words are placed carefully
as if what you say could physically hurt me
as if you could see my pain
I smile not really because I want to
But because that is the only possible thing I could do
I don’t say a single word
You don’t try further
We both know the reason
I feel your pain maybe not in the same measure but I do
you are hurting as much as I am
You lost your child as much as I did
I feel ashamed that my womb wasn’t stronger/ that I couldn’t protect our child
The doctors said its okay that we could try again
Theirs statistics proved that it was normal
But their stats didn’t visit the room we made
we decorated it together with soft toys and pillows
I still remember the smiles we had that day
Now we sit in silence, uncomfortable
Distancing from the other knowing we are hurting
I wonder if you imagined how our child would have looked if s/he was born
But I don’t dare to ask.
It’s been weeks this way and everyone that passes by looks at us with pity
I hate it but what I hate more is the pain you try to hide from me
We promised each other so many things
and all those promises now lay buried under this pain
At nights when you finally fall asleep, I wonder if we will ever be able to smile again like we did
I was so stuck in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize when you moved closer to me
You sit on the ground your hands on my knees your eyes searching something in me
You stand up again holding my hands maybe I missed what you said
When a Huh? Slipped my mouth your eyes looked like they found me
Your lips curve into a small smile
Your hands gently nudge mine
“I said let’s go for a walk”, you tell me
I get up from chair
You hold me afraid as if your touch could break me
We walk in silence
But my mind isn’t here
I didn’t even realize where you were taking me until you held my shoulders as if to wake me
I look at the room and then look at you
My eyes flood but I don’t allow it to fall
You hold me close and tell me that we must remove every single thing
I shake my head, afraid that speaking would break me
You move away and raise my chin until we face each other
You tell me it’s time we put things where they belonged
You tell me little Bee might need it
I clutch your shirt still shaking my head vigorously holding on
I fall on the ground on the room we said would be our kid’s
You hold me tight but I cannot see you as the tears now blind me
I come undone while you hold on
You don’t even know what you did
We stayed that way as I kept saying I’m sorry
You rubbed my back and told me that it was not my fault but the guilt didn’t let me think
I hold you tighter and ask,
“Heartbreaks can be survived but what do I do when a part of me is separated from me”
You didn’t say a word, just held me close
After a while you spoke, placing a kiss on my forehead, without letting me go
You say that you are sorry
That I am the one that matters to you most
You say we will be fine
We just need each other and that you love me
You say you wish you could take away the pain
You wish you could shield me from everything
And then you ask with your generous heart
What do I do to make it better?
My tears have subsided though its marks still rest on my cheeks
I look at you and touch your cheek
And wonder how did I get so lucky
Your eyes wait for me as I look at a distance
I look into your eyes, the sorrows that they try to hide, you smile as if you are fine,
taking a deep breath, I look into you and speak,
“Don’t hide it from me” ,
you look surprised
I guess you didn’t see it coming
“Don’t act like you are fine, don’t hide your feelings from me
Don’t force yourself to smile
You don’t have to hide it from me
Everything hurts me but what hurts me the most is that you shut me
I know you are hurting too
We are in this together”
It was like the walls you had built came undone
You cried in my arms
You say you hated that you couldn’t protect our child and then you couldn’t protect me
You tell me you were scared of losing me as well
The guilt you said was chasing you every day but you wanted to be strong for me
You ask me while weeping in my chest
“What we could do with all this pain that weighs us down”
I reply almost to myself
“I don’t know”
Then I said it a little louder
“I don’t know but we are in this together
And we will get through it together”
We stay that way
With tear-stained faces
Holding each other like it’s the end of the world
Like we are each other’s last hope
Then we both silently pack all the things that decorated the room
It was like stripping ourselves from a part of our soul
Losing a part of us that we never even got to hold
As I stood there waiting for you to pull up the car
I knew this in the heart of my hearts
We weren’t fine
We weren’t okay
Maybe we wouldn’t be soon either
But the road we have chosen at this moment together will lead us there someday
I know that though it is very tough for both of us now
We are in this together
The pain, the hurt, the guilt and hopelessness
We both would learn to let go,
Till then, we need to find solace in each other’s company
And not hide or ignore, like we had been doing
We have come undone in front of the other
We found each other again
We are in this together and it is all that matters at the moment.
- Gayathri.